


I Know It Hurts

by Nephilim_Becca



Series: It Never Rains Forever [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec Coming Out, Alec is 15, Alternate Universe - Human, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, I don't know how to tag!, Isabelle is the best sister, Izzy and Jace are 13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 15:09:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18524050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nephilim_Becca/pseuds/Nephilim_Becca
Summary: "I'm scared," he admitted quietly, his voice shaking as he spoke, "I'm so scared, and I... I don't know what to do."Izzy sat quietly, watching him. She knew he would carry on when he was ready.





	I Know It Hurts

**Author's Note:**

> This is the beginning of a four part story, the first three One-Shots will be to give some background. When part 4 (Multi-Chapter) is posted, it will not need these to be read before hand. I hope you enjoy! The Series is Called It Never Rains Forever. I have used this on a title of a story before, but didn't like how it was going, so gave up, hopefully I'll have more success on this one!

Dinner in the Lightwood house was never a fun affair. Their parents never spoke directly to each other unless it was about their children, the four of who were sat around the table. Today, Robert had a newspaper open and was chuckling at something he’d read.  
  
“Listen to this: ‘Children’s home comes under fire for allowing children to be adopted into LGBT+ families.’” Robert spoke to the table as a whole. Alec felt himself tense, but hoped that no one noticed. “Well, it serves them right. Why should a child have to go through that?” Alec was certain he wanted to run away from the table at that moment.  
  
“What’s wrong with a child having two mum’s or two dad’s instead of one of each?” Izzy asked. Since she had understood how the world worked, Izzy had been an advocate for minorities and diversity, and Alec loved her for it.  
  
“Isabelle, a child needs both a mum and a dad. That’s just how the world works.” Maryse replied, the tone of voice so condescending that the three oldest children at the table winced.  
  
“Surely having two of one gender is better than having none of either?” Izzy countered, and Robert looked at her sternly.  
  
“Isabelle, people like that, they’re still children, no matter their actual age. There’s no way they could look after a child until they’ve outgrown the phase that they’re going through.” Izzy didn’t reply to that, but Alec could tell that she didn’t like what had been said by the fact that she was biting down on her bottom lip to make herself not talk. At 13, Alec wondered if Izzy was more mature than his parents were.  
  
***  
  
It was a week after the dinner, and Izzy was walking down the corridor towards her room, when she heard the soft sobs coming from Alec's door. She frowned, it wasn’t the first time this week that she had heard them, but Alec was never one to talk about his emotions, so usually she just left it. But it was the fourth time in nearly as many days that Izzy had heard it, and this time she knew she couldn’t ignore it.  
  
There was another whimper, and Izzy made up her mind, gently knocking on Alec's door before pushing it open without waiting for a reply. She stood in the door way for a minute, eyes wide as she looked at Alec, who was sat on his bed.  
  
She had never considered her brother small, at 15 he was over a head height above all the other boys his age, but right now, with how he was curled up around himself, head tucked into his knees, which were drawn up tight against Alec's lanky body, he looked the smallest person she'd ever met. He was shaking as he stifled another cry.  
  
Immediately Izzy ran to Alec's bed, climbing on to sit cross-legged by his feet. Her hands moved, one to his leg, gripping it gently, and the other started running through his hair. It was something Alec did for her, and, although admittedly not so much recently, Jace, when he knew they'd been having a rough day.  
  
"Alec, what is it?" Izzy asked, keeping her voice down. It wasn't the first time Izzy had had to look after Alec, but this was the worst she'd ever seen him. When Alec didn't reply, Izzy tugged gently on his hair, "Alec, talk to me, please." Izzy tried not to make her voice too demanding.  
  
Slowly, Alec's head tilted to look at his sister. His eyes were shining and bloodshot, and Izzy felt a shiver run through her at the despair in them. His eyes had dark circles that she was embarrassed to say she hadn’t noticed before, and his face was drawn in tight from where he was biting his lips together. "Oh, Alec," Izzy said, moving now to wrap her arms around his shaking body, his head being pushed against her chest when she didn't give him time to move. "Alec, I'm here, whatever it is, you can tell me."  
  
Izzy felt the shaking get worse, and she moved back a little, adjusted herself so that she was giving Alec a proper hug, and then wrapped her arms back around him as best she could. Alec's head fell to her shoulder, which didn't take long before it got damp, and they stayed like that, Izzy sometimes gently rubbing Alec's back, sometimes playing with his hair. It was at least 10 minutes before anyone said anything. Alec eventually calmed down, and though he was still shaking, his tears had finally stopped flowing.  
  
"Did you want to talk about it?" Izzy asked. They had barely moved from how they were sat, except for Alec to flatten his legs and wrap his arms around Izzy.  
  
Alec slowly shook his head. It was a lie, but he couldn't. He couldn't stand the idea that if he told Izzy she'd hate him. She'd look at him like a stranger, or like something filthy that had come into her home. The same way Maryse and Robert had looked the other day when they were talking about people like him having children. Logically he knew she wouldn't react like that. He knew she was very open with anyone, and she never showed any hate to anyone except bullies, but illogically Alec couldn't take the thought that it just might change his relationship with her.  
  
"Are you sure?" She asked, moving her head a little to try and look at his face, even though it was tucked into her shoulder. "I know you don't like talking about how you feel Alec, but you can't keep this locked away."  
  
He took a deep breath. There was also the fact that, if he wanted to talk to anyone, it would be his own family, and if he was to tell anyone in his family, it would be Izzy. And there was a tiny part of him that did want to tell someone, so that he didn't feel quite so alone. It took another few minutes, but he slowly drew back from Izzy, looking down as opposed to at her.  
  
"I'm scared," he admitted quietly, his voice shaking as he spoke, "I'm so scared, and I... I don't know what to do."  
  
Izzy sat quietly, watching him. She knew he would carry on when he was ready.  
  
"I… I think… Izzy, I..."  
  
"Alec, take a deep breath, and then try again." Izzy said gently when he fell silent from his stuttering.  
  
"I think I might be," He paused, his voice seemed to shake with his body, as he spoke, and he realised he couldn't say the word he needed. Taking another breath, he tried again. "I think… I… like boys." It was so quiet Izzy could have missed it, and probably would have if she hadn't been sat right in front of him. Slowly, she pulled him back to her, joining her arms behind his back.  
  
"Oh  Alec, I'm so proud of you," She said quietly into his ear. She could feel his body shaking worse now, but she just held on. "It's okay, Alec, there's nothing wrong with feeling like that." Alec's breathing quickened and Izzy started to rub circles into his back, hoping it would help him get the air he needed. "Alec, I love you, no matter what. You're my brother, and you always will be."  
  
Izzy knew Alec had started crying again. She could feel it seeping into her dress, but right now, she didn’t care. "Do you want to talk about it?" She asked after a few quiet minutes, keeping her voice quiet and relaxed. Slowly, she felt Alec shrug, and she smiled a little, “How long have you known?”  
  
Alec froze for a second, “I, don’t know.” He said quietly. “I think I always have...” His voice was still quiet, unsure, and Izzy kept rubbing the circles into his back.  
  
“How do you know?” Izzy asked. There was no judgement in her voice, just an natural inquisitiveness.  
  
“I.." He paused, looking down. "Lydia and I, we tried dating. It's only been two dates, but I know it's not...” Alec cut himself off.  
  
“Does she know?” Alec shook his head at the question, breathing deeply. “What do you want to do about it?” Alec shrugged. “Do you want to tell her?” Izzy’s questioning continued despite Alec’s lack of verbal response. Alec didn’t respond. The silence went on for a several minutes, Alec just staring straight ahead. “Alec?”  
  
“I don’t know,” He said quietly.  
  
“Well, if you want to, I’ll help.” Izzy paused, letting a few minutes pass, before looking to Alec again. He seemed calmer now, at least, and that was a good thing. Eventually she said, “Are you okay?"  
  
Alec didn't reply straight away, in total Izzy had sat with him for well over an hour; and now he was feeling tired, drained and thirsty. His head and eyes both stung and he could still here his fathers' voice running through his head. So he lied, and nodded. "Just, don't tell anyone, please, Iz." He croaked out, his voice hoarse from the sobbing.  
  
"I promise, Alec." Izzy smiled softly at him, and Alec let out a short breath, slumping back on his bed. He should really get a drink and have a shower and change, but right now, all he wanted to do was sleep, and he said as much to Izzy, who just nodded in understanding. "I love you big bro, always" Izzy said softly and with a smile to him as she left his room.  
  
***  
  
There were a lot of times over the next few weeks and months where Izzy would have to come and comfort Alec, to make sure he knew everything was okay, that being who he was, was okay.  
  
This particularly happened a lot when either someone at home or school had made a comment. Anything as simple as an implication that someone was gay, whether it was him or someone else, or someone actually throwing comments around, things like people shouldn't be allowed to be in the same changing rooms, or classes, or sometimes buildings. Every time Alec went straight to his room when he got home, Izzy would follow as quickly as she could. Which is what happened today.  
  
Easter was fast approaching, and the school holidays, and Alec was excited with the knowledge he had the time away from school. Most days when he got home now, he was fine, he would sit at the kitchen table with Jace and Izzy, homework laid out in front of them. Jace and Izzy often had the same work, but Alec was a school year ahead of them, so while they chatted in the background, he would always just bury his head straight into his work.  
  
Today though, Alec walked in the door, and straight up the stairs, turning towards his room, and Izzy's eyes widened a little. She said a quick hello to her parents, and commented to Jace that she'd be down shortly, and followed Alec up the stairs.  
  
"Alec?" She asked as she knocked on the door. She heard him mumble something unintelligible. "Can I come in?" No response. Izzy slowly opened the door to see Alec sat on the edge of his bed, breathing deeply. She moved to crouch in front of him putting a hand out in front of him, which he then gripped tightly onto. "What happened?" She asked, keeping her voice soft and quiet.  
  
As always, he didn't reply straight away, taking a moment to collect his thoughts. "I hate it." He said finally. "I'm lying to everybody, and I hate it. But..." Alec stopped, eyes wide.  
  
"Alec, honesty is important, yes, but don't feel like you're lying, you're just looking after your own interests. There's nothing wrong with that." Izzy's reply was firm.  
  
"I don't know, Iz." Alec paused, "Maybe it'd just be easier if I wasn't here anymore." His voice was nothing more than a whisper. "It wouldn't hurt anymore, I wouldn't be shameful to the people I love..." He paused, taking a breath, "maybe It'd be freeing."  
  
"Alec," Izzy said, her voice full of emotion, "don't say that. You're not shameful to any of us. We love you, Alec. You're the best sibling we could hope for." Alec didn't miss the lack of comment about their parents. "You could tell Jace. I know he'd be fine with it, Alec. He's our brother, and he loves us like we love him." Alec just shrugged, looking down. "I don't mean it to pressure you. If you don't want to, don't, but maybe think about it, Alec. It might help if more than just me knows."  
  
"What if he's not okay with it?" Alec asked quietly, and Izzy could see the fear touching his features. "What if I told him, and he hated me." Alec had thought several times about potentially telling Jace, but every time his brain told him not to.  
  
"If he is a homophobic bigot, then I'll yell at him and deck him, not necessarily in that order." Izzy grinned a little, and she could see the smile try to tug at Alec's lips too. "But he won't, Alec. He loves you more than he loves himself, you're not just his brother, you're his best friend."  
  
Alec didn't speak again. The siblings just sat there, hand in hand, Izzy offering the strength she could to Alec.  
  
***  
  
School started up again after the Easter break, and as usual this term was filled with stress. Alec was about to start his Level 2 exams, which he would finish in a years' time, Izzy and Jace had to decide what they wanted to do for their future. Admittedly they found that easier than some, as they both knew what they wanted to do when they started work. Izzy wanted to be a scientist, and Jace wanted to go into the military. Alec wished he'd known what he wanted to do, but there was nothing yet in his life that made him say 'this is for me'.  
  
The homework had stopped and had been replaced with exam revision, and Alec sighed as he sat at the table with his siblings, his parents both still out at work, and Max was playing somewhere in the house. He felt a kick against his leg, and looked up, eyes locking with Izzy, who tilted her head purposefully towards Jace. He had told her he'd do it, and that he wanted her there, but he hadn't said when - he'd thought that would be his way out. Apparently not though, and Alec frowned a little, some panic setting into his features, which Izzy must've seen, because she got up, moved around the table, and wrapped her arms around Alec. The action causing Jace to look up.  
  
"Everything okay?" Jace asked, eyeing the two of them slightly suspiciously. Pranks weren't uncommon between them all, so he was probably right to be questioning it.  
  
"Yeah, everything's good," Alec answered without thinking, only for Izzy to pinch him a little.  
  
"Go on, do it. He'll still love you, Alec," Izzy whispered as quietly as possible into his ear, "and I'll stay here. But the longer you delay, the harder it'll be."  
  
She was right, of course, and Alec hated the fact.  
  
"Actually, Jace," Alec said tentatively, causing Jace to look back up at them. "I want to tell you something. Please don't think differently of me though." Jace stayed silent, watching Alec as he debated with himself. Alec could feel Izzy's hand resting on his shoulder and sighed. "I'm g-gay." He still had a problem with the word, it wasn't something he was comfortable with as a label, but he felt like he needed that label.  
  
"Oh," was all Jace said, before getting up and wrapping his arms around Alec, "Bro, I kind of assumed that anyway, but I'm touched that you trusted me enough to tell me." Alec felt himself exhale shakily, and smiled.  
  
"Thank you," he said quietly, putting his arms around Jace and Izzy as they both hugged him.


End file.
